


Rumor Has It

by TheInsomniacReader



Category: Junjou Romantica
Genre: Akihiko doesnt know, Akihiko tries, Depression, Hand Jobs, Haruhiko is a baka, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Misaki is depressed, Not Cheating, Nowaki is helpful, PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, struggles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2019-11-12 12:40:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18011072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheInsomniacReader/pseuds/TheInsomniacReader
Summary: When there are rumors going around about a young man living together with the best selling author Usami, things start to get a little tense in their relationship. The rumors make the news and people are constantly talking about Misaki, who supposedly doesn't deserve Usami. When Usami's father and brother find out, they are outraged and will try everything in their power to get Misaki to leave Usami's place by making him feel miserable. Not only them, but the media has a huge impact on his mental health as well. How will they solve this? / Mature due to sexual content, language, depression/self-harm and suicidal thoughts.Revised but not completely rewritten, the first five chapters are work from 2015 bear that in mind.





	1. The Rumor

**Author's Note:**

> Crossposted on Wattpad and FF. I decided to give it a go on here as well :) enjoy!  
> Trigger warning as stated in the summary.

"... And that's it about the latest movies, now onto the next subject. Recently, a young man was seen, going into the famous author's Usami's residence. Rumor has it, that it's a student, living there. What do you know about this Zeke?" The blonde-haired news reporter said to a middle-aged man on her right.

"Apparently, he's been living there for quite a while, according to a reliable source. We don't know what he does there. Maybe he's his new cleaner, maid; _giggle_ , or his _boyfriend_. But it's not clear yet as of today, what's going on inside that resident. All we do know is-"

I groaned as I turned off the TV. "Usagi, what's going on? Why are there rumors being spread about us?" I put down the remote on the table and got up.

"They're not so much rumors, seeing as they're partially true. The rumors will die down as soon as they find something else to talk about," Usagi responded, not batting an eye. Usagi never really worried about anything, but I did. I was worried that they'd find out about us, that it's not just a rumor... Especially nii-san. Luckily he's in America now, so I doubt he's heard anything about it. He went on a business trip a month ago and his wife went along. He had only contacted me once, to ask how school was going and if I had plans to move out or get a job anytime soon. Typically nii-san. It did get a little on my nerves, but he meant well.

I stretched and heard a crack escape my spine. I sighed walked over to the fridge. It's almost dinner time and I had no idea what to make for Usagi. "Oi, what do you want for dinner?" I said, not turning away from the fridge to look at him. When suddenly a pair of strong arms embraced me from behind, which startled me and made me drop the eggs I just took from the fridge, on the floor. "Usagi! Baka!" Usagi apologized under his breath and went to clean it up. "N-no, it's okay, I'll do it!" I blushed when he stared back into my eyes. _This silver-haired idiot, how can just one glare make me feel so weak in the knees?_ I felt a shiver down my spine when Usagi suddenly grabbed me by the hem of my shirt. "U-Usagi?" Me pulled me onto my knees and forced his lips onto mine. They were warm and soft, it felt familiar and made me feel more at ease. I pulled myself away and got back up. "B-baka... W-what do you want for dinner?" Usagi got up as well and came closer to me, his breath tickling my neck.

"As long as I have you for dessert, I'll eat anything..."

"USAGI!"

 

***

 

I let the bathtub fill up as I threw in one of Usagi's Lavender bath bombs. They smelled so good... They reminded me of Usagi's smell. As I locked the bathroom door, to keep away 'Usagi the pervert', I stripped down. As I walked past the mirror, I was startled. I took a step back to look at my naked body. _Does Usagi really... Like this?_ My skin was light and smooth like porcelain, but pretty chubby. I admitted I had been eating loads these days. I bent over and held my hair back. My face was red and I had dark bags under my eyes. _I look tired..._ I sighed and sat down in the bathtub and turned off the faucet. I put a cold cloth on my forehead and leaned back. _I wonder who made up those rumors? How did they even know I've been living here for a while? It couldn't have been Nii-san... Or Hiroki... I think. They wouldn't sell me out_. All I knew was, that the rumors had just started and wouldn't just "die down" like Usagi said... Hopefully Usagi-nii and Usagi-chichi haven't seen the news... I closed my eyes as my mind wandered off.

***

"Misaki, are you coming to bed?" A familiar voice called from the bedroom. I had just finished putting on my pajamas and was still drying my hair.

"Yeah yeah, almost done." I folded away the towel and made my way to our bedroom, where Usagi was sitting on the bed, only wearing boxers. _He's so gorgeous..._ I thought. My mouth apparently hung open and my face was bright red, because Usagi winked at me and pointed at my mouth as to remind me that it was indeed open.

"Something wrong, Misaki?" "N-no..." My cheeks were flushed, I could feel it. I quickly got in bed and turned my back to his. _Maybe he won't try anything when he notices I'm tired..._ Of course, that didn't happen.

"Don't tell me you're tired," Usagi said in a seducing voice. I could hear him bending over, as his heartbeat was getting louder and louder and his breath touched the back of my neck. "I need my Misaki refill tonight." I kept blushing, but didn't respond. Only when Usagi laid down behind me, leaning on one arm, his free hand stroking my arm. "Hmm, Misaki, I know you want it." _B-baka Usagi! Of course I... do, but..._ His hand now caressed my thigh. I could my member react to his touch. "Don't try to reject it, your body wants it and you know it." He was now hovering over me. He took off my shirt and immediately started making out with me, he gave me no time to respond. His wet tongue intertwined with mine. Our lips locked for what seemed forever, and honestly I didn't want to stop. Usagi pulled away, allowing us to catch our breath. He lowered himself onto me, fondling me. I let out a soft sigh, but that wasn't enough for Usagi. His hand was completely wrapped around my member, picking up the pace as soon as he heard a moan escape my lips. Damnit, I fell for it again. It made me arch my back, shutting my eyes. I couldn't speak, only pant and moan. _He's too good at this, I'm paralyzed... He's got me in the palm of his hand_. As soon as he licked my neck and jerked a little faster, I climaxed on him. With my back still arched, I panted heavily. I looked away to see my cum had gotten all over him. I sat up, blushing.

"I- I'm so sorry." I managed to say. Usagi just laughed and wiped it off him. He licked his fingers. It was an arousing view.

After Usagi had cleaned himself, we both got into bed and almost instantly fell asleep. "I love you, Misaki."

 

*** The next morning ***

 

_RING, RING._

"Misaki, your phone's going off. Shouldn't you take it?" I groaned and walked to the coffee table to pick it up. My face dropped when I saw that it was Haruhiko-san. It wouldn't be wise to ignore it...

"Misaki?" Was said at the other end of the line.

"Y-yes, hello Haruhiko-san." It was silent for a bit. I felt really uncomfortable... My gut feeling was always right, including today.

"I've seen the news. You and I know both, it isn't a rumor, but a fact. I was wondering if you already found a place to live. You living there has a bad influence on him. The media will be all over him..." _I knew it, I knew he would call me about this. I just did._

"Yes it is true, b-but I don't plan to leave him. We will sort this out."  
"But didn't you hear?" I frowned, as if I thought he would see my expression.

"A lot of people have talking about you. You're not good enough for him. You don't belong with him, Misaki. You belong to me. I do believe that... Well, those people are right you know? He doesn't need you, he can take care of himself. He isn't capable of loving you like I do." My jaw dropped. _Am I really not good enough for him? Does he deserve better? Do people really talk about... me?_

"T-thanks for your call, but I have to go."

"Take into mind what I just said, Misaki. I can give you everything you want, he can't. You two don't belong together." And with that, he hung up.

I walked back into the living room, looking down. "Misaki, who was that?" I ignored him and rushed upstairs. "Misaki?!" I heard before closing the bathroom door with a loud bang. I looked at myself in the mirror. I thought about it before... If I really deserved Usagi. _Nii-san wouldn't approve for sure and Usagi's brother and father are definitely against it... Am I really good enough for him?_

_You don't deserve him._

_He can get better._

A voice said in the back of my mind. I lifted up my shirt to reveal my not so flat stomach. Honestly, I was a little bit grossed out by myself. _No, I shouldn't think like this! I shouldn't... But what if they're right? I'm only in his way... He'll get the press after him... What if I become a- a burden?_ I took a step away from the mirror and looked down. _Maybe I should lose some weight too._ My reflecting disgusted me. Or maybe it wasn't just the reflection, maybe I really was revolting.

_You only give him bad publicity._

_You're in his way._

Tears ran down my cheek. _W-why am I crying?_ I- I started sobbing unconsciously, and that's when I heard footsteps, getting closer and closer. I wiped away my tears and slapped both my cheeks.

I will not worry him, I will burden him even more.

"Misaki? Are you okay?" His voice trembling with concern. "I thought I heard you cry."

"Haha, don't be silly, baka Usagi. I just eh- stubbed my toe. I'm fine, I'll be down soon."

_I will not be a burden._


	2. Secrets

_I will not be a burden._  

 

*** 

 

As I worked my way downstairs, I could hear noises in the living room, I decided to sit down on the staircase and listen. It was Usagi on the phone, I couldn't tell with who.

"I'm telling you, stop getting in touch with Misaki. I knew it was you on the other end of the call." So I guess he's calling with Usagi-nii. Why is he talking to him? How did he find out about our phonecall?

"Yeah I checked the phonebill, I do not want you to contact Misaki any further. I don't know what you told him, but he's been acting strangely since you've called him... Yes, I've seen the news... No I don't care." He hung up and threw the phone on the couch, he sat down and lit a cigarette. He seemed tired and annoyed. I walked downstairs and sat down next to him. 

"I assume you heard me?" His voice startled me, but I decided to play dumb. 

"N-no, I just got downstairs... What was that about?" He shook his head and took another drag of his cigarette. I scratched the back of my head. "Usagi, I think I might go for a walk... I won't be gone for long." Before Usagi could reply. I had already left the building. I rushed to the elevator and was out of breath when I entered. I pushed the button of the first floor and waited to get off. I started to feel more and more worthless. I headed towards the park where I usually sit down to calm down. 

_Not even that park is going to make you feel better.  
You're still worthless. You don't deserve him. _

I shook my head, these voices won't get the best of me. I dropped down near the cherry blossom tree that I'd always admired. It was a beautiful and big tree, and it was in bloom. It was a sight that never ceased to amaze me, even now. As soon as I closed my eyes, I dozed off. Hoping to get some rest. 

Instead, I was awakened roughly. I groaned and opened my eyes. My vision was still a bit blurry, so I rubbed my eyes and blinked a few times. Not expecting to see... Usagi-nii in front of me. It startled me, so I got up and took a step back. 

"Don't be startled, it's just me, Haruhiko. I drove past this park and saw you on the grass. I decided to stop by and ask if you thought about what I said." I gulped, I remembered it clearly, it's been on my mind ever since. Haruhiko, who was disgusted by his brother and in love with me. I had already rejected him many times, face to face. To no avail though, he was still after me. I looked down, honestly I didn't want to talk to him. He gave off an eerie and awkward atmosphere. He came closer and put his hand against the tree, which I was standing against. "I told you, Misaki, you should come to me. Listen to those people out there, you don't belong with him. Everyone's saying you don't deserve him. He doesn't love you." He was now whispering into my ear. "Father and I know what's best for you. Not Akihiko. Come home with me, I can give you anything you want. I'll be there for you, I'll love you like nobody else can. What Akihiko can't. He doesn't love you like I do. He only thinks of you as a... burden."  _A burden, here it is again. I'm a burden... Am I... A burden? Am I really in his way?_

A couple of girls walked on the path that lead into the park, they were all staring at me and pointing. I could hear whispers and giggles. What was it about? Were they talking about me?  _They're laughing too. Am I... Ugly? Fat? Disgusting? They're coming closer now, I can hear what they're saying._

"Is that the guy from the news?"  
  
"Yeah I think so... He looks it. Just the way my neighbor described him. Small, average looking, brown hair."

"He looks a bit chubby. He doesn't match at all with Usami-san~"  
  
"Shh I think he can hear us..."  
They giggled again while they passed us. 

"See, Misaki? They all think the same about you. You should give up on Akihiko, you're only getting in his way." As soon as he said this, he locked his lips with mine. Forcing himself on me. He opened his mouth and intertwined his tongue with mine. I didn't want this, at all. His hand slid down my body and stopped on my crotch. I had to stop this. I pushed him away as he was about to make his next move. He raised an eyebrow as if he was stunned by my actions, but tried to come closer again. 

"Haruhiko, s-stop," tears had formed in my eyes. I tried to blink them away but it didn't work. He pushed me down on the grass and took off his tie. I was getting a weird feeling about this. It seemed like he knew his way around with ropes, as he tied my hands together, behind my back like it was nothing. "H-haruhiko, p-please." He put me on his lap, behind the tree and put his left hand over my mouth. I muffled a "please stop this," but of course he wouldn't. His right hand wandered off to my lower area. 

"Oh it seems like your body is reacting to my touch... Good boy." He unzipped my pants and took my member out. His hands were a bit rough and dirty, it made me feel incredibly gross. But I couldn't stop my body from feeling this way. He picked up the pace as tears ran down my cheeks. I felt like I was being molested- no, I  _was_ being molested. It was now dark outside, so nobody would pass this park anymore. I was violated. Sexually.

That's when I came. "Good boy, Misaki. Did you like it? You'll get more if you stay with me. You'll have to stay with me." He let go off me and untied me. I was expressionless. I gazed into nothing, still crying. I didn't move. At all. "Now, think about what I said and get some sleep,  _precious._ " A shiver went down my spine as I watched him leave. After what seemed another hour, I'd gotten myself back on my feet and slowly made my way to Usagi's condo. I entered the elevator and stared at my reflection in the mirror. 

_You're worthless. Remember what Haruhiko said._

Again, tears streamed down my face. I couldn't stop it this time. When I left the elevator, I had wiped my face.  _I hope Usagi doesn't see I've been crying. I don't want to worry- no, bother him._

"I'm home," I said and Usagi immediately jumped off the couch to embrace me. I didn't hold him back. I just stood there, frozen.   
  
"Where have you been? I was worried." 

"Just taking a walk, I ended up falling asleep in the park." He pulled away from me and looked at me.   
  
"What's wrong?" I opened my mouth, then closed it again. Then opened it again and finally spoke. 

"I-I'm just tired, I'm fine, Usagi." I slightly pushed him off me and walked upstairs. I knew we had tablets in the cabinet that would at least help me calm down a little, at least I hoped so. He got them from a therapist he was forced to see when my brother broke up with him and got married. He went down the road of insanity, but luckily not for long. I locked the bathroom door and searched the cabinets. I wondered how many of them you're allowed to take. 

I took the bottle and popped off the lid, then read the description. 'Do not exceed daily dose. Two tablets a day, each morning after breakfast.' I shrugged, didn't really care anyway. I took out five of them and turned on the faucet. I swallowed them all at once and put back the bottle. I slowly unlocked the door and opened it, to see if Usagi was anywhere near. Luckily he had fallen asleep on the couch. I quickly tiptoed my way to our room and got in my pajama's. As soon as I sat down, my head started spinning.  _Maybe I shouldn't have taken so many after all..._  I groaned and rubbed my temples. 

_... Burden. You're a burden... W... Less. You don't belong with h... You're worthless. Fat, can't do anything right._

That voice... again. Worthless, he doesn't need me.  _But he does, doesn't he? He loves me... Right?_

_No, you're a burden to him, you're ruining his image..._

_You're not even in good shape. Look at yourself._

I got up and paced around. Hoping these voices would stop. But unfortunately, they got worse.  _Was I hallucinating? Due to those pills? Whose voices are they anyways?_ I sat back down.

_You're worthless, you can't even help Usagi. You probably mean nothing to him more than an occasional fuck._

I dug my nails in my head, I wanted these voices to stop. These pills made the voices louder...

I started crying, this had to stop. I rocked back and forth, sweat rolling down my body, I was overheating. No idea how to make these feelings stop. I frantically started scratching my arm, panting. Did I overdose? No, no, I couldn't die from just five pills. 

When I felt a stinging sensation, I looked down at my arm. Blood was dripping on the floor. I scratched too hard, but I didn't feel much. A grimace appeared on my face. I felt a sudden relieve. I was intrigued by the crimson liquid running down my arm. It felt good. I came back to my senses when Usagi suddenly knocked on the door. I jumped up, luckily I had locked the door. 

"Misaki, are you asleep? Why did you lock the door?" He sounded very upset and confused.   
  
"S-sorry, I'm just changing. Did I wake you?" I heard a yawn from outside the door. I took off my shirt as my only option and ripped off the sleeve and wrapped it around my arm. I quickly looked for a long sleeved shirt I knew I had in the wardrobe somewhere. 

"No you didn't wake me- but what are you doing in there?!" 

"I uh, accidentally ripped my shirt, s-sorry. Almost done changing." When I was fully covered, I unlocked the door. 

"You look a bit flustered, are you alright? Are you sick?" He put his forehead against mine, which made me blush. 

"B-baka Usagi, I'm fine! Just tired. I'm going to sleep now." I pulled away from Usagi and got in bed, he tucked me in. He still had a worried expression on his face, but I decided to ignore it as I almost instantly dozed off to sleep. 

 

***

 

 _Whisper, whisper._ All I heard was voices again, but this time I couldn't make out what they were saying. I jumped up, startled by all the noise in my head. Slowly, I got on my feet, wiping the sweat off my face. I made my way to the bathroom, without realizing it, until I saw myself in the mirror. The voices brought me here. I looked down at the sink, seeing my lover's razor lying around. I took it apart and held the blade in my hand. I wanted to feel the sensation I had yesterday. The burning but relieving sensation. I locked the bathroom door and slid down on the floor. I rolled up my sleeve and unwrapped the bloodied ripped piece of clothing. I dropped it on the ground next to me, not caring it might stain. I looked at the silver piece of sharp metal in my hand and brought it closer to my arm. I tapped my skin a few times before actually slicing it. It stung at first, making me wince, but that feeling soon washed away when the blood dribbled off my arm. I looked at the small puddle that formed in front of me. That beautiful colour. The only thing beautiful about me. I smiled- no, rather grinned.   
  
"Misaki?" I looked at the doorknob that was being moved. 'You've been in there for a long time, are you sure you aren't sick?" 

_You're sick in the head, twisted, good for nothing._

"No, Usagi, I'm just fine. I'll be out in a minute." My voice was more steady and secure. 

I guess you could say I finally found my solution. 


	3. Addictions

_I guess you could say I finally found my solution._

 

***

 

It had been six hours since I cut myself so the effect was wearing off, and it showed. I was at school now, second period. I accidentally overslept so I missed the first one. Luckily it was only Algebra, I was failing that class anyways. I kept tapping my foot on the floor, as if I was nervous. I wasn't nervous though, just a bit anxious. My arm was stinging just slightly as I decided to rub it. I liked the sensation. I could feel my skin heat up, reopening my wounds again. I bandaged them well so it wouldn't stain my shirt. How odd is it? I've seen television shows about teenagers who self-harmed, and always thought it was ridiculous... And there I was, doing it myself. _I'm such a hypocrite._  Oh well, not that it bothered me. I found a way to relieve stress... Anger, sadness and pain. I wasn't going to care about me being a hypocrite. I was ugly, fat and not even smart. I could see why people talked about me. 

"Takahashi-kun," a stern voice said, which startled me. 

"S-sorry sir." That demon Hiroki... When the bell rang, I immediately made my way to the toilets. It was lunch time, so everyone who needed the bathroom, would be on the second floor, the stalls close to the cafeteria. Nobody really used the ones on the fourth floor. It was known as the place where people would occasionally have a quickie*, but only during classes, not lunch break. I locked the door behind me and sat down on the toilet. I felt the need to open up my wounds. Feel the pressure that would get rid of these voices, even just for a little while...

I zipped open my messenger bag and dug around until I found a handkerchief, which I used to wrap up the razor I stole from Usagi. I threw away the rest of the razor, so he wouldn't get suspicious as to why it was taken apart. But suddenly I felt a wave of guilt wash over me.  _Should I really do this? What if it gets infected, or what if I go too far?_ I sighed heavily, having a debate with myself. 

_We both know you want it. It will put you at ease. Even if Usagi would find out, he wouldn't care. He'd probably throw you away... If he wasn't going to already._

I shook my head. These voices... Were getting worse. But somehow, I believed them. I sighed again and put away my razor. I could go without it a little longer. Only unless necessary, I will not do it. 

As I walked out of the stalls to wash my hands, I looked in the mirror. I noticed I lost a little bit of weight, but only slightly. I had been eating a little less than usual, but nothing too shocking. Then again, it could be stress and anxiety. 

The rest of my day at school went as usual, falling asleep, being woken by a teacher who'd scold me and make fun of me. I didn't care really. Luckily school was over, and I walked home slowly. For some reason, I was afraid to look Usagi in the eye. As if he'd know how I felt or what I'd been doing. But there was no other place for me to stay anyways. I still felt disgusted though, by the whole Haruhiko-san thing. No matter how many times I'd shower, it still would not be enough.

I opened the door and saw Usagi standing there, with a complex look on his face. Uh oh.

"Misaki, have you lost weight?" I flinched. "You haven't been eating much these days, have you?" I remained silent until he said something I didn't want to be reminded of. "Did Haruhiko say something to you?"   
  
"E-eh. No, we eh talked on the phone." I started panicking. He probably knew something. 

"I saw Nowaki earlier, while I was out. He said he saw you in the park with my brother." Now I started shaking. 

"I... We talked... He eh," tears formed in my eyes. 

"Did something happen?" He raised his voice, in a concerned yet frightened kind of way. 

"I- n-no I mean..." 

That's when I had a sudden flashback to what happened at the park. I didn't want to think about it anymore, but I couldn't stop it. I crashed down on the floor, holding my head, crying out loud.

"Misaki, what happened?!" He dropped down on his knees and put his hands on my shoulders. "What did he do, Misaki?" I started gasping for air and eventually lost consciousness. 

 

***

 

The sun was setting when I woke up. The curtains were still open and I could see some smoke leaving the window. Usagi? I slowly sat up and made myself comfortable. I noticed I was in our bed, and Usagi was half asleep in the chair across from me. "You woke up. Good." He got on his feet and sat down on the edge of the bed, stroking my face. "Misaki... We need to have a talk. I want to know what happened. Lately you've been acting strange, distant. Has school been stressful for you?" I shook my head. 

"Usagi, I don't know. I guess I'm just worn out from everything... And- well, to be honest-" I was cut off by my phone ringing on the desk further ahead. I shot a look at Usagi before getting up to answer it. 

"Misaki?"

"Y-yes..." It was Haruhiko.   
  
"Ah good! Say, did you know that our little... incident from before, was caught on tape? I wonder, what will Usagi say when he sees you orgasm on tape, using my hand? I hope you considered what I've told you before. You should pick me and leave him. Or would you like for him to see our film on national TV? Anyway, I have to go. Tomorrow, after school, meet me at the park again, I'll take you to my place for a... Date you could say. Don't be late, or you know what will happen." With that, he hung up. I turned around to face Usagi, raising his eyebrow. 

"Misaki, who was that?" I shrugged.   
  
"Just a friend from school asking for my notes, he was eh sick yesterday so..." He didn't seem to buy it but let it go anyway. 

"I think you should take the day off tomorrow. You look pale. Just relax for tomorrow. I'll stay home too and take care of you." 

"N-no, that's not necessary, I'm fine." Usagi sighed. I knew he wanted to help me, but... I didn't think he could. 

"Okay, tell you what. Stop by the hospital tomorrow and ask for Nowaki, maybe it's a physical thing, so Nowaki can-" 

"Hospital? Doctor, Usagi? Honestly, I'm fine!" Usagi was startled by my sudden outburst, but his expression faded pretty quickly.   
  
"Something's clearly going on with you. You've lost weight, you're pale and tired most of the days... You should consider it."

_You're a burden._

I cringed at the voices reappearing in my mind. Maybe I should go talk to someone... "Okay, Usagi, I'll eh, stop by. Please don't worry, I'm fine." I sighed heavily. 

"Good, I'll drive you there tomorrow." 

"No that's not necces-" 

"I know it isn't, but I'm calling you in sick and don't want you passing out again. I'll bring you. Now, I'll go make something to eat for us, you stay here." When he left, I realized that whenever Usagi makes dinner, it either ends up burned or tastes like cat food. _Yes... I know how it tastes and no, don't ask_. I jumped up and rushed my way downstairs. 

"Eh, Usagi, I'll make dinner, I don't trust- I mean, I eh, want to make us dinner." Usagi had already started cooking something that was supposed to be noodles, but I sure knew wouldn't taste like it. 

After dinner was served, we both sat down, I pinched my nose to keep out the horrible smell from entering my nostrils. I honestly didn't want to die, not like this. Usagi took the first bite and his face turned green. He shoved it aside and coughed. "So, eh pizza?" I tried to smile at him. 

"Yeah sure, sounds good." He got up and put on his shoes. 

"I'll go get some pizza's to put in the oven. Did you want anything in particular?" 

"N-no, I'll have the same as you." He nodded and headed off.

 

***

 

I cleaned the kitchen, seeing as Usagi made a mess out of it. I sighed heavily. Really, what would he do without me?

_Live. Have a family._

I shook my head. These stupid voices... It's not true. He loves me. Right? Argh! I grabbed a plate from the sink and threw it at the wall. It shattered into several pieces. I was so done with these voices. 

 _Ding dong._  Who even could that be at this hour? Usagi? No, he had the keys. He wouldn't ring the doorbell. I shuffled my way to the door and opened it. 

"Hey, I saw Usagi leave, mind if I come in?" My heart skipped a beat when Haruhiko stood there, in front of our door, with a bouquet of red roses. "I bought these for you, I'm sure you'll accept these as a token of my... love for you. I mean, after all, you'll pick me right?" I took a step back, but he immediately took a step closer and pushed the roses in my hands. He closed the door behind him and took off his shoes. "Put those in a vase will you?" He made himself comfortable on the couch, while my shaky legs led the way to the kitchen. I grabbed a vase and put it on the counter, filling it up just enough. I turned around and stood in front of him.   
  
"D-did you mean what you said... Are you honestly blackmailing me?" I cringed at the thought of Usagi seeing us on the news... 

"Misaki I'm home- Haruhiko? What the hell are you doing in my house?" 

"Hello, Akihiko, dear brother. Misaki here, has something to tell you. Right Misaki?" My heart skipped a few beats. I felt like I was about to break down. I thought he wanted to see me tomorrow? Why is he here now?!

"Well- you see... I..." Haruhiko started laughing and got up. He made his way to the door, but once he passed Usagi, he whispered in his ear. 

"He's quite the moaner, isn't he?" Usagi turned and grabbed Haruhiko by the collar of his shirt.   
  
"My, my, getting violent? Wait till the press hears about this!" Usagi flinched and let him go. Haruhiko left the building almost silently. 

"Misaki, what was he doing here? And what was he talking about?!" I started panting, anxiety hit me hard as I ran to the bathroom to throw up. I had a filthy taste in my mouth. I kept vomiting, even though I barely ate anything. Usagi kneed down and patted me on the back. "We'll talk about it later, but you  _have_  to start talking... When you've stopped throwing up, we're off to the hospital. I'll let Nowaki check up on you. This isn't healthy, Misaki..."

_You're such a BURDEN. He isn't worried! He is getting sick of having to take care of you!_

I flinched at those thoughts. It's true isn't it... My eyes were already watery from spilling my guts out, but they were now gushing like a waterfall. I cried and cried, until Usagi wrapped his arms around me. "Shh, it's fine, I won't leave you till you're better."

_Till you're better... Then he'll leave you._

Usagi picked me up and carried me to the car. He drove us to the hospital and let the nurse know we were here to talk to Nowaki. Usagi and I sat down, I was shaking, not because I was cold; but because I was scared, anxious and ill. I wanted to hurt myself, in many ways. To relieve this pain.

"Ah Misaki, Usagi already texted me, this way please." I got up and followed the man silently. Then he turned around. "Akihiko, it's best that you stay here. Let me check up on him and I'll bring him back soon, alright?" He smiled at him, which made him feel more at ease. We entered the examination room, where I was told to sit down. 

"Misaki, did you want to talk about anything?" I shook my head, still not saying a word. He looked at me from head to toe. "You look rather skinny, I assume you've lost weight?" I nodded, looking at my hands. Nowaki had grabbed a clipboard and scribbled down a few things. He asked a few things about my health and I answered them. A few moments later he looked me in the eye, with a serious expression.

"I think I know what's up. It's nothing major about your body, it's your mental health, it's affecting your physical appearance. Are you dealing with any stress?" I bit my lip and slowly shook my head. "Are there any... traumatic memories haunting you?" I flinched. Nowaki nodded and sighed. "Depression could be linked with trauma. I could assign you to a therapist if you'd want and prescribe you some anti-depressants." I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. 

"N-no, that won't be necessary." Nowaki put his hands on my shoulder. 

"Don't worry, anything you do or say here, is confidential. Though I'd like it if you had a talk with Akihiko about this, I will not mention this to him." He got up and put his hands in his pockets. "I'll get you a bottle of prescribed anti-depressants now and maybe you could talk to me instead. I did get my psychiatrist degree." I nodded and waited for him to return. 

As he handed the bottle over, he smiled at me. "Everything will be okay, Misaki. You just have to make the right choice."

_Yes, Misaki, make the right choice. Choose._

I knew  what these voices meant. I had to see Haruhiko tomorrow, or else he'll hand over our film to the press. 

Nowaki handed me a piece of paper with a number on it. 

"Just call me if you want another bottle - but you shouldn't start rely on them forever. Or if you need a talk. I'll be here." I thanked him and put the bottle away in my pocket. I was somewhat relieved, but the real struggle had yet to come. Tomorrow, I'd have to go to Haruhiko again. And I knew... That wouldn't end well for me. 


	4. Voices

\- The next day, 8 am. Misaki's pov -

 

I woke up screaming, the nightmares- or rather, flashbacks had been haunting me all night. I couldn't stop thinking about what Haruhiko did to me and what he'll do today. My heart was beating so fast, it felt like it was going to explode. Usagi jumped up and shot me a concerned expression.

"Misaki... What's going on? You keep breaking down and having nightmares." He wrapped his arms around my slightly skinnier body. I was losing even more weight. All I ate last night was one slice of bread, caked with peanut butter. It was all I could stomach, especially after when Haruhiko came to our place. I swallowed hard and held him back. My arms wrapped tightly around him. I needed comfort, as much as I hate to admit it.

"Nothing's going on haha, I'm fine." Usagi sighed and quoted  _"Misaki's quite the moaner,"_ which startled me. I pushed him back and looked him in the eye.

"Haruhiko told me this yesterday before he left. Misaki... Please tell me what happened between you two!" He firmly grabbed my wrists. My eyes widened and I flinched. That really hurt, but I tried not to show my pain. I was scared, he seemed so angry and sad.

_You'll only burden him if you'd tell him what happened. And what about Haruhiko? Usagi might try to threaten Haruhiko... It would only worsen your situation. Don't be a fool, you burden._

I bit my lip. "You're hurting me," even though it wasn't his grip that hurt me, it still did. Usagi suddenly let go. 

"I'm so sorry, Misaki. I just... I'm so worried. Something happened between you two and I do not approve, whatever it is. How is he supposed to know you're a moa-" his face showed an angry expression.

"Did you and Haruhiko..." I held my breath. Well, more like I couldn't breathe. 

"N-no I'd never cheat!" I shot him a serious look, which luckily made his face soften, but only a bit.

"Something happened, and I'll find out what." He got up and went to the bathroom. I heard him turn on the shower, which made me feel at ease. I was alone. I got up and quickly got dressed. I grabbed my notes that I promised my 'sick friend,' and tucked them in my bag. I stopped at the bathroom door and said a quick "I'm leaving, back in a bit" and made my way downstairs. Whatever was waiting for me, I knew it wouldn't be any good.

As I made my way to the park, I noticed people were staring at me, pointing at me. I didn't get why and I didn't care either, so I shrugged it off. I followed the road and eventually ended up at the usual tree in the park. It was pretty closed off from the roads and houses...

"Well hey there, Mis-" I heard Haruhiko's voice behind me, but he seemed to have cut himself off. I turned around to see a disgusted look on his face.

"What's that?" He suddenly switched and sounded stern. He came closer and yanked my arm up. I jumped, not expecting such thing. Then when I looked at my arm, I finally understood those people on the streets, who pointed at me and stared. There was blood on my wrist. It must've happened when Usagi gripped my arm to firmly. I looked at Haruhiko, trying to read his face.

"Well, well, seems like we got ourselves a cutter. That's adorable. Why do you do this to yourself? You were so perfect, so flawless..." He jerked my sleeve up and licked the bloody wrist. I couldn't help but gasp. It was more mixture of pain and pleasure. I couldn't help myself.

I heard the bushes behind me rustle. What if someone's there? What if they saw us?! What if it's Usagi?! I yanked my hand back and took a step back.  _No more, please._

"Oh, fierce! Never thought you had it in you... But I like you better when you're submissive. Besides... You remember the tape right?" I stopped in my tracks, and heard more noise behind me.

"I... I... Please stop," I managed to say, but of course, he didn't listen and pushed me back onto the grass and pinned me down. My stomach growled. I was too tired and too hungry to act up. I struggled.

"Someone's hungry... I might be able to fix that." He licked his lips and zipped down his fly. I knew what this meant. I started breathing heavily, wishing- no, praying for it to be over. How could someone be so cruel... I felt tears running down my cheeks. My breathing was getting heavier and heavier. Was I losing consciousness? My body felt so weak...

"Stop this, right now!" I heard before closing my eyes. They were too heavy and I couldn't keep them open. I was tired... Hungry... I did one more attempt to open my eyes and saw a manly figure, pushing away Haruhiko. He got up and left.

"Misaki... Mi... Can... Hear me..." I drifted off.

 

***** Time skip *****

\- Same day, same time. Nowaki's pov -

 

"You know this isn't what I'd usually do to a client... But for you I'll make an exception." 

"Thank you, Nowaki-san," I closed my phone and looked at the caller's ID. I never thought Akihiko would ask me for such a favor. But it's for Misaki's well being...

I walked around the corner, and indeed, there was Misaki. He was wildly looking around him. He's anxious. My god he has lost too much weight. He looks so unhealthy. I shook my head, telling myself to focus. I followed Misaki, with a 30 meter distance. He's headed to the park.

When he arrived, I didn't see anything out of the ordinary, other than him walking to the most quiet place inside the park. Towards the cherry blossom tree. I took a detour towards his location, trying not to be seen by him... Or others. I must seem like a stalker right now.

I hid myself in the bushes behind the tree. Misaki stood there, quietly. Then I heard a voice. "Well hey there, Mis-" Haruhiko! This is what Akihiko warned me for, this is what he told me to check up on. He was right...  _Why Misaki? No, wait, you wouldn't do this to him, there must be an explanation for this._

And then everything fell in place, as soon as Haruhiko grabbed his wrists and when he said something I didn't expect. I tried to get closer, but then dropped my phone, rustling the leaves. I swallowed and stayed still. Did they notice me? Wait... What is that on his arm?

I slowly knelt down and crawled closer. Blood. He had blood on his wrist. I saw Haruhiko yank up his sleeves. I was paralyzed after seeing it. The pieces fit... Akihiko's assumptions were right. Haruhiko is most likely black mailing him, which makes Misaki feel anxious and at a loss. He can't say anything to Akihiko or anyone else. I covered my mouth, I was stunned.

"I... I please stop." I couldn't watch them any longer and jumped out of the bushed. I pushed away Haruhiko.

"YOU!" He gritted his teeth, but didn't say anything. I punched him in the side, causing him to back away and eventually leave.

"Misaki?! Oh god Misaki, can you hear me?" He lost consciousness. He was in such bad shape... _I need to tell Akihiko- no... First, the hospital._

 

***** Time skip *****

\- Same day, 9pm. Misaki's pov -

 

I turned around and groaned, grabbing my wrist. When I slowly opened my eyes, I saw Nowaki bending over me and that's when I panicked. I sat up and looked around. "H-hospital?!" I gasped. What happened?

"I saw you at the park with Haruhiko, don't worry you're safe here." He sat on the edge of the bed, placing his hands on my left leg. I panted heavily and then completely broke down. Tears streamed down like a waterfall, I was so scared.

"It's okay, Misaki. Let it all out."

After I'd stopped crying, I looked down and noticed my arm was bandaged properly and no blood was to be seen. "Yes Misaki, I know about... your self mutilation. Your sleeve was stained and I saw it all when Haruhiko-" I flinched upon hearing the name. So Nowaki decided to cut himself off.

"I need to see a different patient for 5 minutes, can you wait for a bit?" I nodded, without saying a word and watched him leave. That's what the anxiety rolled over me again. It gave me withdrawals like never before. I slowly got out of bed and headed to the bathroom. No sharp objects here.. At all. I checked the cabinets. Nothing, just a toothbrush in a glass. I went back to the room and looked around. Nothing to be seen...  _The glass!"_ I was desperate, and I didn't even care. I scratched my wrist through my bandages and walked into the bathroom once again. I grabbed the glass cup and held it up. I didn't want them to hear it break, so I wrapped it in my hospital shirt and broke it on the side of the sink. I dropped most of it in the bin underneath and kept one piece in my hand. My hands were shaking and sweating.

_Do it. DO IT._

I tried to cut open my bandages, which was a hassle. It took me 2 minutes and I was already digging in my skin. I grinned, it felt too good. I pressed harder and harder until I was satisfied, and sliced downwards. I cringed at the pain that shot through me, but it wasn't nearly as much as the pleasure/relief I gained from this.

"Misaki?" I turned around and noticed I hadn't locked the door. I felt the blood drip onto the floor as I walked towards the unlocked door, trying to lock it as soon as possible. Luckily, I made it.

"Ah Nowaki, where's Misaki? I came as fast as I could." USAGI-SAN?! 

"Ah yes, he's in the bathroom, go back to the waiting room, I'll call you over in 10 minutes." He sighed, but obeyed. He left the room, leaving Nowaki and I alone. I could hear Nowaki shuffle towards the door. I put my back against it and slit down onto the floor.

"You did it again, didn't you?" I heard him say, and I instantly knew what he meant. 

"Don't tell Usa- Akihiko," was all I said.

"I won't, if you promise me to visit me once a week. I think you need to talk to someone and I can be that someone if you'd like. I can be your therapist. As long as you talk, please." 

"That's not-" "Needed? Yes it is. If you want to get better, and get through this, then you do."

"But Haruhiko-" I started crying again. 

"We will find a way to stop this, okay? Please believe in me. I'll help you." I slowly got up. As I opened the door, I saw a shocked expression on Nowaki's face. I stood there, in a white hospital shirt, completely drenched in blood. 

"Nowa-" I fell to my knees, I had lost a large amount of blood. Nowaki rushed to the hall and called out to the other doctors. 

"I need a stretcher and I need it fast, bring this kid to the ER, NOW." He rushed back to my side and tried to cut off my circulation by wrapping his hand around my wrist. Doctors rushed in and lifted me on the stretcher. Sweat formed on my forehead. Did I really overdo it this time? Was I going to die?

_Wouldn't it be better if you died?_

_"No it wouldn't... I want to live."_

_Why? So Haruhiko can touch you all over again? Did you like it?_

_"No, I don't! I love Usagi. I'd never on purposely hurt him."_

_You never even told him you liked him. He's probably already given up on you._

_"He hasn't, I know he loves me!"_

_He doesn't care. He knows what you did with Haruhiko, he doesn't trust you anymore._

_"I DIDN'T DO THIS. I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED. IT WASN'T MY FAULT."_

_But you are blaming yourself, harming yourself. You're a burden to him._

_"... No... I'm not... I think."_

"MISAKI?! What happened?! Oh my- Oh god, Misaki... Misaki!" I heard a familiar voice call out to me from behind me. It was Usagi-san.

_He's calling out to you. He's not worried, he's horrified. By the monster you've become._

_"I... I'm a monster? I am... Aren't I?"_

_Yes, give up. He doesn't want you the way you think. Give up, give it all up. Close your eyes and look up. Do you see the light? That bright light?_

_"Y-yes, I see the light. Is that heaven...? No, I don't believe in heaven."_

_It is, so give up. You'll be much happier. Nobody down here wants you, nobody..._

_"Nobody... Wants me. I don't belong here."_

"MISAKI!"

_"Nobody."_


	5. Emergency

\- The same day, 10 pm. Misaki's pov -

 

My eyes were still heavy, so I could barely open them. I heard noises in the background. People... yelling...

"... can't believe it. Misaki would never do that. I just want to know the truth, I just received a call from the hospital, that I should pick him up... Nobody would tell me ANYTHING, he was rushed into the ER... I just, know Misaki... I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. He loves me and I love him, nothing can separate us!" Usagi sounded overwhelmed and serious. My body was numb and I still couldn't move, nor open my eyes. 

"It did happen. I'm sorry, son." Son?  _Was that Usagi-chichi? What were they talking about?_ Lots of thoughts rushed through my mind whilst still listening to their conversation. 

"Haruhiko would never do anything against his will, Akihiko, you know this. But you should know, that you're on thin ice. The press knows about you two and this could be the end of your career. You will be labeled as a pedophile. You can't have that right now." I heard a sigh escaping Usagi's mouth.

_I should just give up. Usagi-chichi is right. I'll only ruin his life this way. If people truly found out... If my brother would find out..._

"Misaki is mine. I do not care what other people think nor do I believe you what you just said. I will talk to Misaki about Haruhiko." My eyes shot open. I truly didn't want to talk about any of that. About what happened. I turned around and faced Usagi. He seemed to have noticed I shifted and got up. 

"I will take my leave," his father said and left the apartment.

"Misaki, dear, are you awake?" I groaned slightly as his voice was pretty loud. I nodded and slowly sat up. 

"Listen, Nowaki found you at the park again. I thought you told me you were visiting your sick friend. Why did you lie to me?" I swallowed roughly and played with my hands.

"I- I just. Well, I took a detour."  _That came out smoother than I expected it would._  I bit my lip and waited for a reply. '

"Nowaki told me Haruhiko was with you and that he was sitting on top of you. Did you two..." He cleared his throat, not wanting to think of what happened, but he finished his sentence either way. "... Do something?" My eyes widened and I grabbed Usagi's hand.

"No, I swear nothing happened! This time he-" "This time?" I flinched, realising what I had just said. Usagi pulled away his hand. 

"Is that why you've been acting so strange? Because you cheated? I never expected this from you-" 

"I didn't cheat! He- he... jerked me off, I tried to-"

**_Slap_ **

A burning sensation was left on my cheek. My bottom lip started trembling. Did he... just slap me? I looked him in the eye.

"All this time, I thought you were sick; you lost weight, you rejected me, never said "I love you" back... I now know what's been going on. Something I never thought would happen. Especially between you and my own brother." He got up and turned around and without looking back, he finished with

"You were just a rebound anyway, since I couldn't be with your brother." My heart broke in a thousand pieces. But I couldn't cry, I wanted to, but the tears never came.

 

***** Time skip *****

\- The next morning, 3 am. Misaki's pov -

 

Usagi had been sleeping on the couch, whilst I had gone to bed, trying to sleep but to no avail. His words had pierced through my whole body. He thought I'd cheated on him, that I didn't want him. Now I knew the truth.  _He doesn't love me._

I made my way to the bathroom and opened the cabinet above the sink. I'd hid my bottle of anti-depressant in the very back. I didn't exceed the daily dose this time and only took two. I looked into the mirror after swallowing them, allowing myself to take a good look at myself. My face was pale and skinny, much like my shoulders. My rib case was even visible. I looked nothing like my brother. Tall and handsome. I was short, skinny and not at all good looking. I wished I could explain everything to Usagi, but he won't hear me out. Everyone's right, I just don't deserve a boyfriend like him.

I walked back to our bedroom and searched through my backpack. I took the handkerchief out of the front pocket and unwrapped the razor I had kept ever so carefully away from everyone. I pressed it inside the palm of my hand and looked at it as if it was going to provide a long-term solution, which I knew it wouldn't. I rolled up my sleeve, my arm was bandaged carefully, as expected from Nowaki. I remember him telling me to see him as soon as possible, after what seemed like a suicide-attempt. I was already shocked Nowaki let me go home, or rather, let Usagi take me home. I wasn't sure if I was grateful or disappointed. But I promised to go back today and have a talk with Nowaki.  _Sigh._

I skillfully flicked it in between my fingers and slowly left a crimson train on the inside of my wrist. One, two, three, four. They dripped onto the handkerchief I laid on my lap, in case I spilled some blood. It felt amazing, that adrenaline rush, mixed with anti-depressants. It almost made me feel happy again. A grin appeared on my face, but it soon turned into a frown. Tears ran down my cheek.  _I did it again, without second thought._

 _I need help._  I grabbed my phone from my nightstand and flicked it open.

 

\---------------  
N O W A K I  
\---------------

_Enter message:_

_Nowaki, I am sorry for contacting you this late,_  
can I please come over. I need help.  
It's an emergency.

_\- Misaki._

 

Not long after that, I got a reply. Nowaki was on his way to pick me up. I was grateful for being acquainted with such an amazing person. Shortly after his reply, I packed my bag with essentials and left Usagi's apartment.

"I'm sorry, Usagi." I whispered as I tiptoed out of his apartment.


	6. Words and Thoughts

\---------------  
N O W A K I  
\---------------

_Enter message:_

_Nowaki, I am sorry for contacting you this late,_  
can I please come over. I need help.  
It's an emergency.

_\- Misaki._

 

***

 

I walked to the elevator in my pyjama pants and t-shirt, allowing myself to breathe when I entered the elevator. I was still recovering from that blood loss and the lack of energy from not eating properly for, well, a long time. It was quite late, I'd say around 2 am and I never expected for Nowaki to even answer my text. But he did and he was on his way. I gripped my wrist, wanting to feel a burning sensation just for a bit. I hadn't cleaned the wound or bandaged it. It was bleeding and I left it that way. At that moment, I really didn't care and just needed to see Nowaki. I needed to clear things up, seeing as Usagi-san wouldn't listen to me.

There he was, Nowaki opened his car door and rushed to the apartment building to meet me. His eyes were red and the bags under his eyes were darker than the night sky. I groaned, feeling instant regret and guilt for waking him up. 

"Misaki." He put his hands on my shoulders and took a good look at me. My hands were shaking - no, my whole body was shaking. His eyes landed on my bloodied arm and he sighed, his eyes showed major concern.

"I'm sorry, I texted you straight away - but I know it's too late. I'm sorry for waking you." The doctor shook his head and guided him to his car. He opened the passenger's seat and let me sit down. He stayed quiet until we were on the road to what I assumed was his house.

"What really happened, Misaki? This is so unlike you - and unlike Akihiko. You need to talk if you want to be heard." I bit my lip and took a deep breath. 

"He- I mean Haruhiko. I wanted him to stop, but he blackmailed me." Nowaki's grip on the wheel tightened and I saw anger in his eyes. But he was right, if I wanted to be heard, I should speak up. "It started when he forced himself upon me in the park. I didn't know why and it wasn't something I expected from him. But he did. He... He filmed the whole thing." Nowaki was gritting his teeth and I could visibly see him getting angrier. "He never wanted me to be with his brother, he wanted me for himself. But- I can't completely say he's a bad person..." 

"Why would you say that?" The doctor finally spoke up. "He threatened you, abused you and blackmailed you. Tell me why you think he's not a completely bad person." I sighed and looked out the window.

"He wants to be loved too..." I paused for a bit and continued. "The rumors, they're true. They're right. I don't deserve him, I'm just an average kid, I'm not even good looking. I mean look at me." My eyes dropped to my knees. 

"What makes you say that?" Nowaki's grip loosened and his eyes showed sorrow rather than anger. "You're a kind person - and that's why I didn't believe a thing about you cheating on Akihiko. You're not like that."

"But he deserves better. They say it too-" I cut myself off when I realised what I was saying.

"Who said that, Misaki?" I bit my lip and stayed silent. We arrived at his apartment and he led me into the living room. He left to the bathroom and came back with a first aid kit. He stayed quiet when he once again took care of my self inflicted wounds. 

"I love him." Nowaki looked up. "But I'm hurting him."

"You need to talk to him, I don't think he  _really_ believes that you've cheated on him. I know him better than that." 

"He called me a rebound. I'm not like my brother, I'm not tall or handsome or-"

"That's enough." He sighed and finished up wrapping up my wrist and got up. "He loves you. That's why he doesn't care about the rumors. He doesn't let anyone or anything make him think otherwise." 

There was a pause and the doctor had left to the kitchen to make some coffee. He looked beat, well I did wake him up at 2 in the morning. When he returned, he sat down next to me and met my eyes.

"Do you hear voices, Misaki?" I jumped up. He had seen right through me, it seemed.

"I-I" Nowaki tried not to be too invading and took a sip of his coffee. 

"It is no wonder with the stress you had to endure. Haruhiko should be locked away. Remember, you're underage, whatever he does to that tape will get him into jail for a long time." I knew he was right, but I was still scared and broken. Usagi already knew about this, but not the whole story. How could I explain to him what really happened when he won't listen?

Nowaki fumbled with his phone in his pocket before taking it out to lay it on the table. 

"I really don't want you to hurt yourself anymore. Know I'm here for you. First we need to find a way for Haruhiko to stay away from you and possibly be arrested. You also need to talk to Akihiko." He sighed and put his hand on my shoulder. 

I took a deep breath, battling with the voices in my head who were trying to get my attention whilst listening to Nowaki.

"But first, you need to rest. You're free to use my sofa, I'm sorry I don't have a spare bed." I shook my head.

"I don't mind, I'm grateful you're willing to help me..."  _Even though you don't need it. If you went along with Haruhiko, you could've avoided all this and be happy. There's still a chance._

I watched Nowaki walk upstairs and heard him close the door.

_Can he really help you? Can you be helped at all?_

I bit my lip and lied down, covering my eyes. I was tired and needed sleep. I needed to think over everything. I drew a long breath and closed my eyes, hoping for the darkness to take over.


	7. Another Reason

_I bit my lip and lied down, covering my eyes. I was tired and needed sleep. I needed to think over everything. I drew a long breath and closed my eyes, hoping for the darkness to take over._

 

***

 

I opened my eyes, peering at the single ray of light shining through Nowaki's curtains.  _Right, I'm at Nowaki's..._  

I sat up and sighed, taking in my surroundings. There was a clock on the wall that showed 7 am. Normally Nowaki would be getting ready for work now, at least I assumed so. My head was pounding, I felt fatigued. I got on my feet and made my way upstairs. The lights in Nowaki's room were on, maybe he was getting ready for work. I was about to open the door and call him out, but shut my mouth as soon as I heard him say "Akihiko." I decided to peek through the split of the open door and eavesdrop. 

"Yes, he is with me. No, I- he's not alright. You need to hear him- what do you mean no? He never did you wrong, he's willing to explain from the beginning! Yes. Okay, I'll keep him here until you've arrived. The blood? Well he-" I placed my ear closer to the door and closed my eyes, in hopes to hear Usagi's voice.

_"... Did he do that to himself?"_ Was the only thing I heard and it made me panic, I didn't want Usagi to know! I turned around to run downstairs, but tripped over my own feet and crashed face first onto the carpet. 

"W-wait a second. Misaki is that you?" I quickly got on my feet and ran downstairs as fast as I could. Usagi can't see me like this! I heard Nowaki rush to the door and call out to me. "Misaki, please wait!" I grabbed my messenger bag off the sofa and yanked open the front door, making my way to anywhere but there. I bit my lip trying to hold back my tears.  _Baka Nowaki! How could you... I trusted you!_

I ended up at the same park, under the same tree. It was getting crowded, people were on their way to work or school, luckily the park was dark and not many people - if any - passed through it. It was a detour to the buildings after all. My breath hitched.  _Under this tree... It all started._ I gripped my hair.

_Under this tree you were touched by the only man who truly cares you. Who truly wants you._

_Give up on Akihiko, you've ruined him. He'll never want you back._

I fell to my knees and clutched my stomach. Just thinking about what happened made me feel sick. And these voices wouldn't stop either. It had been quite a while since I'd eaten, so that only added to the sickness. I started dry heaving as soon as the voices started again.

_Nobody will go after you, nobody loves you. You should've gone with Haruhiko. But if he'd find out what you are plotting, not even_ he _would want you._

_Just end the pain. There's no escape._

_Just end it._

I tried to swallow the upcoming bile but failed. I emptied my stomach behind the same tree I was molested. It was mostly water and a bit of coffee as there was no food in my stomach to throw up. I cringed at the disgusting taste and quickly wiped the tears running down my cheek. I opened my bag and dug around until I found the only thing I could rely on. 

Usagi's razor. I clumsily fumbled with the tissue I wrapped it in and managed to unwrap it with shaking hands.  _I don't want it to end... But how will I live with this pain?_

I gripped the blade tightly between my fingers. I sat down on the grass away from the puke and raised my hand. I carefully pressed the blade against my neck. It pricked my skin but not hard enough to draw blood. 

"Misaki!" I cringed at hearing my name. It was Usagi. The taller man was about 10 meters behind me. 

"I knew you would be here. This is the only place you are able to relax - or were. Nowaki - he, told me about what happened. Not everything, but... I- I came to apologise. I can't believe I thought you cheated on me." I could feel tears well up again.

"I'm sorry. Please - put down the blade. I'm here. Let's talk." I was now sobbing, I really didn't deserve him. 

"But, I don't deserve you. They're right. The people who passed me, Haruhiko, the voices - they..."

"The voices?" Usagi stood there, halted. He was closer to me, but was stunned by what I said. "What do the voices say, Misaki?" He tried to sound soft and caring, but you could tell he was scared and disappointed, maybe even a hint of anger.

"They're always with me. It's me but it's also not." I dropped my head and clenched a fist. Blood was dripping from between my fingers, the razor was digging deeply in my skin.

"Baka Misaki! Don't listen to them. My voice is what you should be listening to. Listen to what I tell you!" My head shot up and I opened my fist, watching the opened skin bleed moderately. I wasn't scared or anything alike. It was normal for me after all.

"But Usagi-san... You're so handsome and tall, your body i-is." I started blushing. "You're well built and I'm... Not."

He raised an eyebrow and watched me carefully. 

"I don't deserve you." He took a step closer.

"Don't come near me, please. If there's any paparazzi nearby or just random people who know you... You'll be all over the news again!" I placed the razor against my neck again.

"Misaki, darling please. Talk to me. Drop the blade and come to me!" I looked away and swallowed hard.

"I love you." I murmured but Usagi had heard me and leaped towards me. By the time I could dig the razor in my skin, he had tackled me to the ground and pinned my hands down. The blade I held flew behind me somewhere into the grass. I blinked furiously, it all happened so fast I couldn't comprehend what just happened.

"You just said it."

"W-what?"

"You just said 'I love you.'" I blushed and looked away. "You know I love you and I'm so sorry I put you through all of this. But please, let's go home first and talk to me."

"But the people-"

"Screw the people! Screw the news! Screw my family. It's you and I, not us and them. Forget about them, come home with me." I blinked, unsure what to say. Usagi got up and brushed his pants clean. He regained his usual posture, but instead of the grumpy expression he usually had, it was now soft and caring - and showed pain. He held out his hand, I took it. He pulled me on my feet but did not let go. He pulled me into a tight hug and caressed my hair. "Come home with me." I felt my cheeks redden and tears roll down once again. I closed my eyes and took in his scent. Hopefully, tomorrow would be a better day.


	8. From the Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been quite a while since I've updated this, I might be nearing the end soon. I don't want to end it too abruptly, but when I originally started this fanfic, I was madly in love with the anime/manga.  
> Now... it's subsided so to say. This fanfic goes back to around 2013 and I re-wrote it a few years later (2016) and gave it another shot this year.  
> It's not my anime of choice anymore, but I still enjoy it so don't worry!  
> Either way, another chapter, huzzah!

_He pulled me on my feet but did not let go. He pulled me into a tight hug and caressed my hair. "Come home with me." I felt my cheeks redden and tears roll down once again. I closed my eyes and took in his scent. Hopefully, tomorrow would be a better day._

 

**_***_ **

 

I cleared my throat to try end the uncomfortable silence. Akihiko sat opposite of my on the other sofa, his hands intertwined and his brows furrowed. He seemed deep in thought and his expression showed pain rather than anything else. I knew he wanted to talk to me, but wasn't sure how to start - but I was anything but prepared to start the conversation.

"These voices," he started before running his hand through his hair. "What do they say?" I bit my lip, I really didn't want to talk about it. But after all that happened, I didn't have a choice. I touched the side of my neck where I dug the blade in earlier, it was patched up by Usagi. While he took care of me, he hadn't uttered a single word - same ruled for our way home. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk, he just didn't know how to. And I really understood that, although it didn't make it any less comfortable. 

I swallowed and decided to just start from the beginning. All the way to hearing people talk about those rumors, and about his brother touching without consent - although I couldn't find the right words to downright tell him I was sexually abused or, raped - to the voices that started lingering after the first incident. About halfway through my story, I realised it wasn't my voice that was talking to me in my mind - it was Haruhiko. I only thought it was me, because it said things that I really felt and thought were true. 

Akihiko was visibly trying to restrain himself from calling the police right there and then. Not to mention the rage that seemed to claw at him. I was afraid of what he would do to Haruhiko if he found out about the smaller - well, immensely larger - details. He didn't want to hurt his brother, because hurting his brother would mean  _the video._ He still had the video and would without a doubt send it to Usagi, not only that... But what if the press found out about this scandal? Would that be the end of his career? I had never thought I would be in such a position that could hurt either party - that's why I chose to take it all and have myself hurt, to save Akihiko. I didn't deserve him after all. 

His phone rang and I could've sworn I heard him curse before he picked up the phone. His expression swiftly changed when he realised it was Nowaki. "Ah yes. He's here with me. I found him. Yeah he's... Unharmed." I swallowed, I was fairly sure even Nowaki knew that was a lie. But I couldn't hear him say much else. "You should come visit tomorrow, I could... use all the help I can get." With that he hung up, I knew it was about me and the voices and the rumors and... Well everything that had happened.

"Let me see." I jerked up, having realised what he meant. I slowly shook my head and sunk deeper into the couch. All I wanted was just to disappear off the face of the earth. Usagi didn't stop and got up. I knew sooner or later that he'd find out, I just hoped it wouldn't be like this. He took a step forward. And with every step he took, I shoved further down the couch. 

"My Misaki... I'm sorry. I need to make sure you're okay." He knew I wasn't okay, but I was almost certain he wanted to make himself believe I was alright. I held my breath when he finally reached me. He was soft and caring and carefully took my hand in his. With his free hand he pulled back my sleeve. His breath hitched and I thought I could hear a silent sob escape his throat when my sleeve was all the way up. I didn't have the heart to look him in the eyes, so I stared at my feet. 

"Misaki-kun," he gritted his teeth before letting himself cry - for the first time in a while. "I-I'm so sorry. I did this to you." I blinked and put my right hand on top of his. 

"This is not your fault Usagi, I- you had all the reason to believe I cheated on you. I would never... But, things seemed to favor him and I- I didn't want to hurt you." 

"What else did he do?" His expression changed to something I couldn't exactly read... Anger? Frustration. I was scared. What if he leaked the video? I swallowed and felt my heart rate skyrocket. 

"Nothing, I mean. It's okay." 

"Misaki, look at me. He didn't just touch you, did he?" I tasted bile, my stomach couldn't handle this, nor my heart. Tears streamed down my face and I frantically looked around. Lights began to dance in my vision and Akihiko's voice suddenly disappeared. I hiccuped in panic and thought back of Usami-nii and what he'd done to me. I was so afraid, so very afraid. I closed my eyes, hoping to rest my mind. But instead I was dragged into darkness and my whole mind went blank.

 

_// Akihiko's pov //_

 

I couldn't make out what Misaki was saying, he was mumbling and his eyes were sliding across the room like he'd lost something. Anxiety hit me and I decided it was best if I called for Nowaki, he'd know what to do. I quickly dialed his number while calling out to Misaki, who was unresponsive.  _Had my question triggered him?_ I sighed, I should've taken a more careful approach. He was vulnerable for damn's sake! 

"Nowaki? I need you here, right now." 

_"What's going on Usami-san?"_

"It's... Misaki, he collapsed and... He's in bad shape."

_"I'll be there in half an hour. Lie him down on his side and try to see if you can get anything out of him."_   With that, he hung up. I placed my hand on my boyfriend's forehead, he was warm but it didn't indicate a fever. I was worried. Something else happened and he still hadn't told me, maybe he was afraid of something too. 

_Ring, ring._

I looked up from my unconscious Misaki and realised it was his phone that went off.

_Ring, ring._

Upon taking his phone out of his pocket, he realised the name. My blood began to boil. Nii-san. I decided to pick up but not to speak.

"..."

_"Hello, Misaki. I haven't heard from you in a while. I assume you're doing okay?"_ There was a slight pause and I was afraid he'd realised it wasn't Misaki.

_"I hope you've spoken to my dear brother? Remember our deal~"_

I couldn't hold back any longer, I needed to know what was going on.

"Hello,  _nii-san._ What deal is it that you made with my dear Misaki?" I tried to sound casual, hoping to throw him off - and mostly hoping I didn't sound anxious or angry. Since I was on the edge of jumping out of my skin.

_"Ah. What a pleasant surprise. Where's Misaki?"_

"Unavailable. Tell me what is going on." I bit my lip, I was getting more and more furious.

_"Your career is on the line. Are you sure about that? Well, maybe I'll just show it to you first. Enjoy."_ My brother hung up before I could say anything else and at that same time I received a video file.

My heart sunk and I wasn't sure if I should open it now or wait for Nowaki. I decided it was best to wait, Misaki-kun needed me right now. And as if on cue, the doorbell rang. 

I let Misaki slip out of my hands, onto the couch and propped up his head while on his side. I took big steps and opened the door to let him in.

"How is he?" I shook my head because I quite honestly, didn't know how he was right now.

 

"So from what you've just told me, I think he just had a panic attack. Normally these don't particularly lead to collapsing, but whatever triggered it must be stronger than him." I wiped the sweat off my forehead and stared at Misaki's phone.

"Is something else the matter? What is it that you wanted me to talk about?" I unlocked his phone and tapped on the message. It didn't automatically play, but from what he saw, he knew something had gone terribly wrong.

"I think we need to call the police." Nowaki said as if he knew all about it, without even glancing at his phone. 

"You knew?" He looked away and seemed in thought.

"I knew, but not everything. I found him before, when Haruhiko went for him under that tree. And everytime I mentioned him, or he'd receive a text... He'd flinch. He's terrified and I think your brother did a lot more than just... touching. He's mentally unstable because of all this - but it started before that. With the media knowing about you two, I could've only imagined the impact it made on him. And also Haruhiko, who also likes Misaki- or rather, is obsessed with him - forcing Misaki to love him. I-I concluded his diagnoses." I swallowed, had I just heard it right? He was... raped? By... my brother?

"W-what is it?" I already knew the answers, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. 

"He's suffering from a severe depression and has high self-esteem issues - both to the point he didn't know how to handle it. His self-harm is fueled even more by PTSD. It's rare to see a case like this."

"It's not a case! That's Misaki we're talking about!" I stood up, pointing at the smaller figure on the couch. 

"I'm going after him." I said with confidence. I grabbed my phone off the coffee table and dialed the number of the police. It couldn't wait any longer, I had to get him arrested. He touched  _my_ Misaki! 

 

 

... But not before I could lay a finger on nii-san dear.

 


End file.
